ABOUT WHY 

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I apologize in advance, but this is something I really need to get off my chest.

 

About Why:

Why did this happen?

Why now?

Why my mom?

 

People die. It happens. It happens every minute of every hour of every day.

I accept that. I truly do.

But why did my mother die? Why did she die so soon? Why did she have to die alone?

She deserved more in life but she damn sure deserved a better death.

It's true she didn't suffer. The doctor said it was if someone had turned off a light.

No pain.

No suffering.

But that doesn't help. It doesn't make me feel any better.

 

I'm fucking angry and confused.

I'm overwhelmed with sadness.

Every day is darker than the last.

I have moments where I'm drowning in sorrow.

 

I'm not heartbroken. I am completely empty. My emotional pain has become physical. I don't care about anything. Not work. Not my home life. Nothing. I take no pride or feel joy in anything. In fact, since she died, the only thing I've felt is pain and guilt. Pain because she's gone and guilt because I should have done more for her while she was alive. I should have called her more. I should have visited her more. I should have been there when she died. I might not have been able to do anything to save her, but goddamnit, I should have fucking been there! My mother spent most of her time alone. Why the fuck did she have to die alone? Why? How is this right? 

 

How is it possible that I'll never be able to take her out to lunch again?

What do you mean, I'll never be able to hug her again?

I can't tell her how much I love her? I can't tell her that I need to see her?

I don't even get a chance to say Goodbye?

I don't even get a chance to say Goodbye!!!

 

And don't tell me that she's "In Heaven" or that this is all part of "God's Plan".

That is absolutely meaningless. 

Fuck God's plan.

If taking my mother away from her friends and family is all "part of God's plan", then God is a cruel unjust sadist.

 

Liars, cheats, theives, pedophiles, rapists and murders are all, right now as you're reading this, walking the street.

Free and very much alive.

Growing up in Commack, my family knew somebody who was just an out and out scumbag.

A real pieces of shit of a human being. He drank way too much, beat his wife and kids and screwed

over everybody he ever came into contact with.

He is is still alive.

But "God" took my mother??

 

Fuck you and fuck God's plan. 

 

"It's God's will" is the battle cry of the lost and desperate.

I'm lost, but I'm not that desperate.

 

My mother was one of the greatest people to ever have walked the earth.
Am I biased?  Of course I am. But don't take my word for it. Ask any of her friends.

A week after the funeral I received an unexpected phone call from a woman I've never met or heard about.

She knew my mom from the Suffolk Y Jewish Community Center,  where my mother worked part time and liked to swim.

She called to offer her condolences and to say that my brother and I had "won the mother jackpot".

People loved my mother. I don't care if that sounds like I'm bragging. I am.

She was a good person. Plain and simple.

She deserved better. I will live the rest of my life believing that.

 

I look around every day now and just stare at people.

I wonder why this random person or that random person still has their mother, but I don't have mine.

I see people going on with their life...people I don't even know...people who don't know me...and think,

"My mom is dead! Why aren't you crying?"

I know the world doesn't stop when someone dies.

And it's selfish of me to think that it should.

But it would be nice if it did.

If only for a few minutes.